Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Why I || Won't Be "Dating"


Why I Won't Be Dating Banner
 Hi there all! Are you ready for the second installment of this new series? I sure am!
This week's Why I post is inspired by the following comment:

This from Miss Molly Gibson-
What are your rules for courtship/dating? And now while you're not in a romantic relationship, do you hug/kiss boys - because me, for example, when we have people over, I just kiss or hug them 'hello' and 'goodbye' even if they are boys.
Why would you set stricter rules for when you're pursuing a romantic relationship than the normal relationship you have with just-other-boys?
I read in one of your old posts that your convictions are similar to the Duggar's - why would you save holding hands for the engagement when you can hold hands with pretty much every other being in the world? Can't you do anything extra special with your romantic person?
What are your opinions on all that?


Well, to be perfectly clear, I am but 16 years old, and as Liesl would say, innocent as a rose! But, as you probably anticipated, I am not without my own thoughts on the matter. Keep reading to find out the answers to Molly's question, and more!
The following are my current expectations of what my courtship guidelines would be:
  1. No kissing.
  2. No being alone for extended periods of time without permission and a chaperone.
  3. No unseemly physical contact.
Yup, pretty short. And note, I did not put must ALWAYS have a chaperone or "absolutely no holding hands!" because you see, I simply don't think those rules are warranted. I will explain my thoughts on chaperones first. Chaperones are a good thing, don't get me wrong, but, the idea that I would have never spent a waking minute alone with the guy I plan to marry until my wedding day, is, to put it mildly, not very appealing. And also, I don't think it would be a healthy thing to do. If you aren't mature enough to restrain yourself from doing something dumb while alone with your significant other, I don't think you are quite ready to be entering any kind of adult relationship. This being said, if I were in a romantic relationship with a young man, I would probably [assuming I was still living at home] always have at least one sibling with me acting as chaperone. After engagement is another story! You've spent time getting to know each other in a manner pleasing to God, and are ready for the next step in the relationship! In my eyes, by professing mutual love for each other and agreeing to get married you have already become accountable in His eyes as a couple. Not that you should throw away the traditional ceremony or state licensing, but I think a little leeway should be granted once you enter the serious stage of being betrothed. What kind of leeway you ask? Well, having private conversations for one! Unless your parents are a special kind of paranoid, I would think by this time they have had enough time to accept that you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person and a few minutes alone isn't going to hurt anything! As for physical side, I don't think those standards should change whatsoever until you are married in the eyes of God and consequently, the state. Whether you've been kissing from the first date or not, I think it is special to save those kinds of things for wedded life. ;-)

Which leads us to hand-holding and other forms of physical contact. Molly asked if I hugged\kissed boys outside of romantic attraction, my answer is; neither. Haha! I have held hands with a guy maybe 3 or 4 times in my entire life! Of the two times I know for certain, one was in a prayer circle and the other was arm-wrestling!    :-D    Usually if a fellowship I am at prays in a circle and I somehow end up next to a guy (*smirk* Hahaha! Totally kidding!) an adult will slip in between. As for hugging, I'm just not a hugging kind of person...? And I can't picture myself just hugging a guy to say goodbye. *awkward* As far as kissing goes, it's safe to say the only being receiving that kind of affection are the four-legged kind! In conclusion to the question of "why would you save holding hands for the engagement when you can hold hands with pretty much every other being in the world?" my answer is that I think it is perfectly fine to hold hands with someone you are courting if you both feel comfortable with it.

Molly also mentioned an incident when I said my convictions were similar to the Duggar family's, well, as I have demonstrated to you, that is partly true anyway! For those of you who don't know exactly what their's are, here's a link to an article about them. :-)  I do not agree with all of their unwaveringly strict rules, and sometimes get the feeling that they are just a bit too concerned about "full frontal hugs", as Michelle calls them. Not to criticize them, I love the Duggar family! But, I really can't see how say, Jill's excited ("completely accidental") hug that she gave Derick when he came back from Nepal could really do any harm.

I almost forgot to answer these questions,"Why would you set stricter rules for when you're pursuing a romantic relationship than the normal relationship you have with just-other-boys?" and "Can't you do anything extra special with your romantic person?" For the former, my answer is, I wouldn't. The things I've shared here today go for "just friends" as well. I can't say I can clearly imagine an incident in my life when hugging a guy would be imminent, but if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, there's no harm in the occasional side-hug, haha! And for the latter, yes, I believe there are things extra special things you can do with your extra special person... He can buy you flowers, you can bake him cookies... He can sit next to you in church, you can pray for him every night... He can tell you that he loves you, and you can believe him because you love him too. ;-) That would be special enough for me.

So, I have told you what I think my rules for future courtship would be, but why courting? Why not just date people until you think you've found the right one? Well, as the Duggars say, "Courtship is dating with a purpose. That purpose being, marriage." What is the general purpose of mainstream dating? Did things like 'finding a godly spouse' or 'getting to know your boyfriend/girlfriend platonically' pop into your head? I'm guessing not. You probably thought 'just having fun' or something similar right? That's all well and good for the world, but we as Christians should take the high road! This is not to say that no one has ever found their soul mate in a manner honoring to God while 'just dating' (even Mr. and Mrs, Duggar, known nation-wide as advocates of courtship met and got engaged through the process of dating!), but in my opinion, it's better safe than sorry. Also just my opinion, courtship is the most safe and dating will most likely leave you sorry.

You've probably all heard this before, but I'll say it again:
Run as fast as you can towards God, and if someone catches up, introduce yourself!
If you do that, no matter what you call the road you ride it out on, you're doing it right.
Well y'all, there you have it! A young, inexperienced, homeschooled girl's thoughts on courtship vs. dating! You might think my ideals resemble... perhaps a girl from the 1950's era? Yes, they do. Maybe that means I'm sitting here in a red poodle skirt too! Well, I actually am... Yes, I am sitting on my bed typing this last part up in a red felt poodle skirt! I am picking out my clothes for our little weekend trip down to Chicago for the "Cat's Pajamas" vintage clothes and jewelry sale! If you dress in vintage clothes (from any era) you automatically get in cheaper! Isn't that awesome?! Of course, we probably would have anyway just for kicks! ;-) Okay, time to go find my saddle shoes and bobby socks, I know I have some somewhere....

Are you in a romantic relationship?
What are your dating/courting guidelines?
Make sure to leave a comment with what you'd like to see me write about next!


~Rebekah~
~~Innocent as a Rose~~

15 comments:

  1. Love, love, love this post Rebekah! I literally feel the same exact way! All of your points about the physical contact that you feel is appropriate, to the reason behind courting, I love and agree with! (: I'm not in a relationship at the moment (unless you count my horse, hehe!) and I'm very happily waiting. I think most people see courting as a boring, strict route and think to themselves, "who will be willing to be so strict with me? Everyone wants to DATE and have fun, not be so serious!" but I think that if a true man of God comes along, he will be willing and even want to pursue that kind of relationship not only to honor the Lord, but to honor his love as well.

    I've heard so many people tell me that no one will be willing to court me because my rules appear so much stricter than most girls and boy's rules our age. But I always say, if he's not willing, he's not worth it! (: Great post!!

    www.magicallyordinary.wordpress.com

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    1. Thanks for the comment Kalin! And thank you for your kind words! Don't forget to ask if there's anything you'd like my thoughts on in this series!

      ~Rebekah

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  2. Loved this post!!! I am always so happy and encouraged to hear of other Godly young ladies who have such mature rules for courting/dating. I whole heartedly agree with everything you said, especially what you said at the end about running as hard and fast towards God and if someone comes up next to you introduce yourself..... that has been one of my favorite phrases to live by and hold myself accountable to!!! Again, great post!!!
    -Madison
    www.1minniemuse.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Madison! It is one of my favorite quotes as well... ;-)

      ~Rebekah

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  3. Thank you for so clearly and thoroughly answering all my questions, Rebecca! Your answers never disappoint!

    I agree that romantic relationships shouldn't just be for fun... and purity is very important indeed. But I don't think, that if I ever find my guy, I would set such rules.
    You see, here where I live, and in my family and wider family, everyone just kisses (on the cheek) and hugs to say hello/goodbye; so if I were in a romantic relationship (I'm also sixteen, so that'll be for a while yet!) I *would* kiss and hug, seeing as I do those with any other person I know. But it's interesting to know that people don't *do* that where you live! Where I live EVERYONE kisses hello - like, it's done more than handshaking, weird as that may sound.

    And haha, it makes me laugh when Michelle Duggar totally freaks out about frontal-hugs. :-P

    Thanks again! Very interested and greatly written!

    ~ Miss Molly Gibson

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    1. That is so interesting! And I guess I would agree that if it is your norm, cheek-kissing-goodbyes, then it is alright. ;-) Thank you for the original comment, and for this one!

      ~Rebekah

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  4. Great post! This is very close to what my sister and I believe about relationships/courtship too! With being at school away from our parents, I thankful for my sister for support and encouragement in things like this, not that we're starting any relationships or anything, but it is on the minds of a lot of people our age.

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    1. Thank you for commenting Bethany! Yes, it is on my mind quite a lot as well, though I am also far from a romantic relationship!

      ~Rebekah

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  5. The rules that you described are essentially the same as ours Bekah! Wonderful, encouraging post!

    Brigid
    the Middle Sister and Singer

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    1. Thank you for your comment Brigid! We are quite alike it seems! ;-]

      ~Rebekah

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  6. I absolutely love this post! One thing I've always loved about the Duggars show is learning about courtship. I've always loved the idea of a more committed relationship no matter who or how old. Personally, I believe in no kissing, chaperone unless in a public space, holding hands after talking about it and careful hugs. But I do frontal hugs with everyone so that's not too much of question. And spending more everyday time with a potential spouse is so important! Not just dating. Thanks again. :)

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  8. This was a well thought out post, Rebekah! I agree with everything you stated! I also appreciate you casualness in choice of words, making the post more light-hearted and fun to read verses a nitty gritty bunch of words and rules. Excellently done, dear!

    Love,

    Jessica, the eldest sister & singer

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  9. I agree, Rebekah, though, obviously, I am far too young to even consider a relationship. (I'm 13.) That was so fun at your Aunt Wendy's party! Hope to see you soon, again!

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  10. Completely agree! Great way to put it!

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